Beauty comes in all sizes, not just size 5. ~Roseanne

I got a hair cut this week.

Whenever I get so stinking tired of having my hair in a pony for weeks at a time which quite honestly is what happens when it get to long since I am a lazy ass   I call and get an appointment with the first hairdresser that I can find. I don't have unmanageable hair or tough to cut hair - and really in my life time I've only had one bad haircut and it was really my fault for thinking that I could go that short in the first place.

So I got a new cut - which means that I am taking extra time in front of the bathroom mirror - which means that I am looking at myself a whole lot more.

Not a good thing for us girls is it?

We will find things to be angry or sad about. We will pick at and on ourselves. I've been doing that this week.

There are quite a few things that I know can't be fixed without a whole lot of help from several doctors...

My teeth.
My acne scars.
My breasts.
My veins.

I blame my children whole heartedly for all the above. They broke me.

From the time that I got pregnant to the time that I delivered I threw up every single day. This happened every single time that I got pregnant.

I got so used to it that I would get sick, eat some more and then get sick again. My gag reflex is still a little tricky even to this day - but glad to say that as soon as I delivered...it magically went away. I've been sick one time since delivering my last baby = and it was the flu.

That style of living is hell on your teeth.

It's also hell on your face. Before I had children I had the occasional outbreak that coincided with my period - we all do - be those babies broke something in me - I have terribly oily skin now...and it is evidenced by the scarring on my face.

I nursed every single one of those babies - and now - well it looks like I nursed every single one of those babies.

I carried around 4 babies with my legs...and I have the veins to prove it.

So those are the things that I took a good long hard look at this week. I stood them feeling so sorry myself and my muffin top to boot.

Then I thought about it.

I gave up my body to having babies. I watched as it stretch to enormous sizes during and after pregnancies. I watched my size 3 frame go all the way up to 16. I am sitting a very middle of the road 10 - which I could live with if I knew that was all that was possible. But with diet and exercise I got to 6 easily last year and in a healthy fashion.

But...

I'm done having babies. There will not come a time when a baby will ever grace my body with the ailments that wreaked havoc on it again. I cried a little thinking about the fact that I won't ever again have the feeling of someone else moving inside me...but then I got happy.

I looked at my before baby body peeking through. I can now see definition in my hips again. I looked knowing if I put the effort into it that I could get to a size jeans that I am comfortable wearing.

If I look at myself from the side...I can see the outline of the person I used to be. I do have to suck in in really far and maybe it's just lightedness talking - but I can see the end result.

Me - happy, healthy and beautiful again. Not caring about having the lights out for you know what - or pausing in the middle of you know what - or having to change because I think my shirt is too tight you know where - or having to lift the girls - or having to wear so much make-up - or not being able to wear shorts and skirts.

I looked knowing that I have improved my credit enough to get a loan to have my teeth fixed all at once and once for all.

I looked at it knowing that Hubby has said that all extra money for the next few months can go to fixing what my children broke.

I got really happy.

I am going to start with breakfast. I am going to eat snacks and sensible ones at that. I am going to start running again. I am going to make an appointment with a plastic surgeon, dentist  and dermatologist.

I got really happy cause dammit I am taking my body and ego back.

I know, I know - we are beautiful just the way we are.

We are.  I know that.

But I don't want to just be OK with how I look - I want to feel great with how I look.

I Will Not Change My Mind

I'm tired.

It's been a very long day full of drama and despair.

I woke up this forgetting that I made you leave 2 nights ago.

I went down stairs to change out the laundry and there is the car that you drove away in. How can this be? Did you get a new one? Did you finally do something resembling taking care of your family?

NO.

I can see your grandmother's blanket poking out of the front seat. I can not believe my eyes. I stand there fury and embarrassment building - we will not be that family too.

Thank goodness your kids aren't awake yet. I have already been answering questions about where you are and why. Questions about when you are coming back and why on Earth you would get so angry to throw pumpkins at the dresser in my bedroom. Why you would then take another on and throw it at the living room wall (hitting a picture in the process) not 3 feet from our 3 year old.

When you finally left I was able to calm your kids to sleep - most of them within just a few minutes - which I gotta say really says something about what they are used to. Then talk to your oldest into calming down for what seems like ages.

Then I get to clean it all up. Glass, seeds and broken pumpkins everywhere.

I didn't cry though. That was surprising to me. I always cry. But you see that last time really was the last time. I told you then...if you didn't get some help - you were out.

That day has come.

Oh you tried every trick in the book on me today: I know that you thought that at least one of them would work. I am not going to change my mind. Your kids need to feel safe and loved. They and I need a break from you. We need to be able to just do the things that we have to without all the stress and yelling.

You were like a weasel just trying to worm your way back in. I know you are embarrassed to have to stay with your parents. I get that - I get that you are mad - but I am done. I will not live like this anymore. I will not live just waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

See that's the worst - I know that you have good intentions - that you are really trying - but trying is not going to cut it anymore. You need professional help. You need parenting classes. You need to talk to someone about the anger that you are always feeling.

Your family will be here waiting for you when you get the help that you have been told for years that you need...but I as a Mother will not have to answer to my kids when they ask me - Why didn't you do something to stop it?

I still have yet to do that very thing with my Mother.

I know that you are not a monster. I know that you have never laid a hand of me or the kids. But you have to know that what you do, say and act like affects us. You have to know that you are raising the next generation of our family.

You have 3 boys who are watching you and taking mental notes. You are responsible for teaching them how to be men, take care of their families and how to treat their wives.

You have a little girl that looks up to you. She is watching you and lets hope that she isn't like the million other girls who seek out men like their fathers.

You have a wife that dearly loves you. That has stood by you when no one else would. That wants nothing more that to live out the life that I always dreamed. I wanted to grow old with you, travel to places with you, watch our grand babies with you and live in this house that we worked so hard for with you.

I know that the steps that I am taking could lead us down a much different path. I have to be realistic though. Even though you are saying all the right things - it's going to take a lot of action on your part and lot less hand holding on mine.

I have 4 kids to look after.

You are on you own with this.


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