Beauty comes in all sizes, not just size 5. ~Roseanne

I got a hair cut this week.

Whenever I get so stinking tired of having my hair in a pony for weeks at a time which quite honestly is what happens when it get to long since I am a lazy ass   I call and get an appointment with the first hairdresser that I can find. I don't have unmanageable hair or tough to cut hair - and really in my life time I've only had one bad haircut and it was really my fault for thinking that I could go that short in the first place.

So I got a new cut - which means that I am taking extra time in front of the bathroom mirror - which means that I am looking at myself a whole lot more.

Not a good thing for us girls is it?

We will find things to be angry or sad about. We will pick at and on ourselves. I've been doing that this week.

There are quite a few things that I know can't be fixed without a whole lot of help from several doctors...

My teeth.
My acne scars.
My breasts.
My veins.

I blame my children whole heartedly for all the above. They broke me.

From the time that I got pregnant to the time that I delivered I threw up every single day. This happened every single time that I got pregnant.

I got so used to it that I would get sick, eat some more and then get sick again. My gag reflex is still a little tricky even to this day - but glad to say that as soon as I delivered...it magically went away. I've been sick one time since delivering my last baby = and it was the flu.

That style of living is hell on your teeth.

It's also hell on your face. Before I had children I had the occasional outbreak that coincided with my period - we all do - be those babies broke something in me - I have terribly oily skin now...and it is evidenced by the scarring on my face.

I nursed every single one of those babies - and now - well it looks like I nursed every single one of those babies.

I carried around 4 babies with my legs...and I have the veins to prove it.

So those are the things that I took a good long hard look at this week. I stood them feeling so sorry myself and my muffin top to boot.

Then I thought about it.

I gave up my body to having babies. I watched as it stretch to enormous sizes during and after pregnancies. I watched my size 3 frame go all the way up to 16. I am sitting a very middle of the road 10 - which I could live with if I knew that was all that was possible. But with diet and exercise I got to 6 easily last year and in a healthy fashion.

But...

I'm done having babies. There will not come a time when a baby will ever grace my body with the ailments that wreaked havoc on it again. I cried a little thinking about the fact that I won't ever again have the feeling of someone else moving inside me...but then I got happy.

I looked at my before baby body peeking through. I can now see definition in my hips again. I looked knowing if I put the effort into it that I could get to a size jeans that I am comfortable wearing.

If I look at myself from the side...I can see the outline of the person I used to be. I do have to suck in in really far and maybe it's just lightedness talking - but I can see the end result.

Me - happy, healthy and beautiful again. Not caring about having the lights out for you know what - or pausing in the middle of you know what - or having to change because I think my shirt is too tight you know where - or having to lift the girls - or having to wear so much make-up - or not being able to wear shorts and skirts.

I looked knowing that I have improved my credit enough to get a loan to have my teeth fixed all at once and once for all.

I looked at it knowing that Hubby has said that all extra money for the next few months can go to fixing what my children broke.

I got really happy.

I am going to start with breakfast. I am going to eat snacks and sensible ones at that. I am going to start running again. I am going to make an appointment with a plastic surgeon, dentist  and dermatologist.

I got really happy cause dammit I am taking my body and ego back.

I know, I know - we are beautiful just the way we are.

We are.  I know that.

But I don't want to just be OK with how I look - I want to feel great with how I look.

Sometimes a Dream is Just a Dream...

The other morning after I went to Pancakes with Parents at my son's school we dropped off the kids and I rushed home thinking about all the things that I was going to get done with my blog.

I opened my computer and got to work but the more that I sat there - the worse that I felt.

I couldn't keep my eyes open and my head was starting to throb. So I grabbed one of my grandmother's quilts and decided that what I really needed was a nap before work.

I must have really been in bad need of that nap because not only did I get a couple of hours of sleep...I had a dream.

In the dream I was sleeping on my couch and the alarm on my phone wouldn't stop going off. I kept trying to shut the thing up but no matter what combination of buttons I pushed, nothing worked.  Hubby came in carrying a dvd player, laptop and several flat screen tv's. I'm not sure how he was able to fit it all in his arms but there he was and then there all the other stuff was too. While I was examining all the treasures that he had just bestowed on our house I started to smell and see smoke covering the whole back part of the house.

I went in search of the cause and found my 8 year old cooking bacon - now he wasn't 8 years old in my dream - he was a man child - he was a strapping young man of about 18 years old frying up package after package of bacon.

Not only was He causing the entire house to fill with smoke but he was frying them up on a plate on the stove. I tried to tell him that he was doing it all wrong and that he needed to open some windows but in mid-sentence I look up to see a repairman from the electric company standing on the other side of the island.
Asking me if he can take a look around to see what was the problem with the electricity.

Man child turned around and said, "Oh she doesn't pay her bills!"

I told the repairman that he was welcome to look into the problem and told man child that he couldn't tell people things like that.  I then went to get my bill paying folder and proceeded to show him that yes in fact I do take care of things.

I was then wondering the house looking for the repairman (I'm guessing to show him the bill folder too) and look into the living room to see my 10 year old hanging from the ceiling fan - but he wasn't 10 years old anymore either. He must have been about 20.

My youngest son was also in the living room running around in circles with a toy car - about 17 if you are wondering what my 6 year old looked like.


I kept saying to the repairman over and over, "Some people are blessed with only one rambunctious child - I got 3."

Like it was some sort of contest that I had won.

When I woke up I couldn't stop thinking about this dream and what it might mean.

There are a lot of truthful fears in it:

I sometimes feel like my life is out of my control.
The kids are constantly testing my patience and sanity.
Hubby and I have in the past tried to overcompensate for what we don't have as a couple with what we do have materialistically.
I do sometimes feel like we have to many fires going at once.
I do fear that while I am being smart and organized with my bills that since it doesn't come naturally to me that I will mess up my credit again.

But the saddest part?

Miss Maddy was no where to be seen...did she find that we were all too much to take and hit the road?

What do you think about your dreams?

Do you think they are nonsense or that they make complete sense about what you fear in life?

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I think I might have fallen in love with a new man.

I know I know you might be thinking that this is way to soon - that as a Mother of 4 and wife of almost 10 years that I shouldn't even be looking for love.

But he's everywhere and is making it hard to ignore him. He's making sure that even if he's not living here he's remaining a part of our lives.

But he's been showing up at my door everyday for the past week. He's been showing interest in my kids and getting his hands dirty with me in this business that we run of raising our gang.

He even got elbow deep in a couple of pumpkins the other day while late for work - this was a major jaw dropper as he grew up as an only child to work-o-lic parents who were fastidious about keeping him clean and tidy.

He has taken to remaining positive, showing empathy and being a gentleman and an gentle man. He's shown humility and understanding. He's making time to spend with us while still taking care of the things that are important to this family like paying the bills and securing our home loan.

He is researching online ways to parent my children in a way that will make himself and them better. He is open to advice and direction. He is making appointments with counselors and getting information about parenting classes. 

The biggest change though has left me a little puzzled. Instead of arguing about whose right and whose wrong - he is all about making sure that arguments are resolved, feelings are left unharmed and we all feel loved, safe and happy.

It's a refreshing change and my heart wants to leap right back into the way that we were but know that treading lightly right now is the best move.

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News That Really Isn't News

Since when did celebrity gossip, violence on the other side of the country and 911 calls become newsworthy?

I am sick and tired of hearing about who's breaking up with who - who cheated on who - who's having baby with who and who's going to jail or on probation. Every time I see something like this or someone tries to talk to me about it - I just think - this has nothing to do with my everyday life. I used to think that celebrities had no privacy but now I wish I didn't have to know so much.This is not to say that I don't enjoy celebrity gossip in it's place - in the grocery store check out - allowing me a rare Mommy moment when I can pretend that my hellions aren't with me but that they belong to the guy standing with me.

I had to listen to a 911 call not to long ago made by a woman who's husband was being attacked by a bear right in front of her. For the life of me I couldn't figure out why they were airing this woman's despair and heartache to millions around the world. It's not like most of us have to worry about bears - so it wasn't like they were doing some sort of public service. It was just a gross and outrageous injustice.

Every day there is a violent crime story on that makes me cringe. While I understand that crimes happen everyday - I don't understand how knowing about what happens everywhere throughout our nation on an everyday basis does us any good. While I think it's horrible that someone was harmed...I don't think it's necessary to know about it unless I know to be on the look out for something.

I also worry about the language that has become common place on television - I worry about having to explain so many terms to my kids that they shouldn't have to know about for a very long time. Words like rape, murder and the fact that parents have been reported to have killed their own children.

You might be thinking to yourself - why doesn't this chick just not watch the news. That's what I do at home...but every single day I am forced to watch it at work - from 10:30 until 2:00 - I am beaten down by all the horrible shit that is out there.

I might be letting my crazy show a little bit but I think it must be said.

I wonder what the American psyche will look like in 10 years.

Psyche (psychology)

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Psyche

In psychoanalysis and other forms of depth psychology, the psyche (pronounced /ˈsaɪki/; etymology: Greek ψυχή psykhe "soul, mind, breath, life"^[1]) refers to the forces in an individual that influence thought, behavior and personality.^[2] The word is borrowed from ancient Greek, and refers to the concept of the self, encompassing the modern ideas of soul, self, and mind. The Greeks believed that the soul or "psyche" was responsible for behavior. A psyche in mythology means a butterfly.

I worry that we are being desensitized as a nation - that we will not blink an eye or flinch when we find out that something like this has happened in our hometown.

Either that or we will be too afraid to let our kids be kids or even think about growing up.

Accepting That I Might Not Be Mother of the Year

I might want to be Mother of the Year - but since I am not a professional at this - that probably won't happen.

This past week my oldest turned 10 - the big double digits. A complete decade old. He was so excited. We sent him a basket with balloons to school - there were enough snack for him to share with his class and then to have enough to share with his brothers and sister here at home.

He did great - getting all his homework done - which was even harder on this particular day - since there was the promise of cake, ice cream and presents.

While he was opening his toys - I was doing a run through of the house - basically grabbing a ton of crap that everyone else had left out and putting it up. The more crap I picked up - the angrier I was getting.

There is absolutely no way that we can keep a clean house with 6 people living here - unless everyone is on the same page.

If you get something out - put it up.

I was putting the boys shoes up in their room when I saw it. It was a disaster - there were toys, trash, clothes, dirty clothes, hangers, and school work everywhere.

I wish now that I had taken a picture of it.

I stood there staring at it for what seemed like forever...finally blew my top. I called all 3 boys into the bedroom and made them clean it up on the spot.

I took a broom and swept everything into this massive pile of filth and made them wade through it putting everything where it goes and the trash - in the trash.

All the while my poor birthday boy is acting so put out. But I couldn't stop - I might have been able to let it go - but there was an entire set of 500 Lego's on the floor that I had bought for my youngest boys birthday not 10 days ago. I couldn't stand the thought of them opening the set that I bought for 10 year old too.

Towards the end of the great clean-up - I got really weepy - I hate it -- but I am such a girl. I just kept thinking about when I was little.

My Mother never made a big deal about birthdays - we were lucky if she remembered to say something about it to us on the morning of.

I want my kids to know that I make an effort to insure that they never feel that way - that there are children out there this very minute that feel that way because they don't have anyone to celebrate them.

I told them about all of this - then they got a little weepy too. I don't know if this was the best idea that I have ever had - but I just wanted them to understand the depth of my disappointment.

After they finally got it cleaned up - Hubby ran and got Chinese ( this seems to be our kind of birthday food) and we ate cake and ice cream first - since we had wasted so much time with the bedroom.

This was not a good idea either as the cake was so good that no one really wanted to eat real food after that.

Looking back now - almost week later - I still have some Mommy guilt - but I know that I would do it all over again.

I want my children to respect the things that they have - the effort that goes into working for the things that they have and a sense of pride in their home.

Would you have let it go?

No Is Every 2 Year Olds Favorite Word

 

At work today a sweet little girl made my life hell. She was loud and obnoxious. She was yelling, screaming and singing. She was flirting with whoever would make eye contact with her. Just a general menace to my ears. 

It must be said - I work in a restaurant - it's already pretty loud - so to have a baby being that loud - you would have been annoyed too. 

She flirted with me for a while. Her Mom and Grandma thought she was the cutest thing alive - and she was pretty cute - but not cute enough to get away with all that she was doing. They ate their lunch leisurely secure in the fact that she was not bored - therefore not upset and throwing a fit.

They looked at her like I'm sure we all look at our kids - when we think they are being cute.

I was polite and asked how old she was. 

When they told me 2 - I thought now that makes sense. 

But the more I thought about it the more I wanted to weep.

My daughter is 3 - she will never again be 2 - she will never again be so capitvated by the sound of her own voice. She will never again be able to entertain her self just by making noises with her mouth and smiling at people. 

She will never again be able to entertain herself while I eat dinner...I must constantly be answering her questions and looking where ever her chubby fingers are pointing. 

At 3 she is almost a fully formed person. She understands that when she talks - you should be listening - and bless your heart if you don't - she will let you know by loudly saying - TALK TO ME. She must be constantly entertained and taught how to do stuff. She not only wants to do most things for herself - she really can do most things for herself.

She is constantly in motion barely looking where she going and doesn't really have time for cuddling anymore. 

Everyone says that time goes by so fast but you never really notice until someone else brings their baby near you and you start to realize how big your own children are getting.

The good news is that while she isn't 2 - at least she isn't 2 - I can reason with her and instead of every question being answered in a big fat NO - I only get that half of the time now. 

Do you see the change in your kids everyday or do you notice it only when the changes are thrown in your face by a loud 2 year old?

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I Will Not Change My Mind

I'm tired.

It's been a very long day full of drama and despair.

I woke up this forgetting that I made you leave 2 nights ago.

I went down stairs to change out the laundry and there is the car that you drove away in. How can this be? Did you get a new one? Did you finally do something resembling taking care of your family?

NO.

I can see your grandmother's blanket poking out of the front seat. I can not believe my eyes. I stand there fury and embarrassment building - we will not be that family too.

Thank goodness your kids aren't awake yet. I have already been answering questions about where you are and why. Questions about when you are coming back and why on Earth you would get so angry to throw pumpkins at the dresser in my bedroom. Why you would then take another on and throw it at the living room wall (hitting a picture in the process) not 3 feet from our 3 year old.

When you finally left I was able to calm your kids to sleep - most of them within just a few minutes - which I gotta say really says something about what they are used to. Then talk to your oldest into calming down for what seems like ages.

Then I get to clean it all up. Glass, seeds and broken pumpkins everywhere.

I didn't cry though. That was surprising to me. I always cry. But you see that last time really was the last time. I told you then...if you didn't get some help - you were out.

That day has come.

Oh you tried every trick in the book on me today: I know that you thought that at least one of them would work. I am not going to change my mind. Your kids need to feel safe and loved. They and I need a break from you. We need to be able to just do the things that we have to without all the stress and yelling.

You were like a weasel just trying to worm your way back in. I know you are embarrassed to have to stay with your parents. I get that - I get that you are mad - but I am done. I will not live like this anymore. I will not live just waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

See that's the worst - I know that you have good intentions - that you are really trying - but trying is not going to cut it anymore. You need professional help. You need parenting classes. You need to talk to someone about the anger that you are always feeling.

Your family will be here waiting for you when you get the help that you have been told for years that you need...but I as a Mother will not have to answer to my kids when they ask me - Why didn't you do something to stop it?

I still have yet to do that very thing with my Mother.

I know that you are not a monster. I know that you have never laid a hand of me or the kids. But you have to know that what you do, say and act like affects us. You have to know that you are raising the next generation of our family.

You have 3 boys who are watching you and taking mental notes. You are responsible for teaching them how to be men, take care of their families and how to treat their wives.

You have a little girl that looks up to you. She is watching you and lets hope that she isn't like the million other girls who seek out men like their fathers.

You have a wife that dearly loves you. That has stood by you when no one else would. That wants nothing more that to live out the life that I always dreamed. I wanted to grow old with you, travel to places with you, watch our grand babies with you and live in this house that we worked so hard for with you.

I know that the steps that I am taking could lead us down a much different path. I have to be realistic though. Even though you are saying all the right things - it's going to take a lot of action on your part and lot less hand holding on mine.

I have 4 kids to look after.

You are on you own with this.


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